I found myself in shock while I was packing my belongings from my desk. This is and would be my last day at my company. I really can’t find the words to describe my feelings to be honest. I need to get to a good place for myself, my soul, and my chi. I just haven’t been there in many years to be honest. And you know what, it’s taken me a long time to admit that.
I just re-read that paragraph over and although not deep in it’s meaning, I feel a huge burden taken off my shoulders. And I wanted to thank all the writers in our little community for being first and clearing the path for me to write these words, you have shared with me your grief, victories, and of course you feeling of utter shame. Thus, it’s made it that much easier to say mine.
Deep breath, Joaquin.
So much has happened over the last couple of years that I never talk about…I have always internalized it and just never spit it out. I suppose I could never really write these words because I think many people see me as a happy go lucky person. And for the most part I am always in a good mood. Yet, in my work life I have never accomplished what I set out to do and that disturbs me deeply and the death of my grandmother has eaten away at me daily. I have let it all build up and now it’s at the breaking point and I need to find, Joaquin again.
(I just re-read that paragraph again and I think this is one of the first times I wanted to sob about my grandmother. She was my life, my soul, she was just everything that was good about my life and my source of joy.)
I’m not here saying you have never known the real Joaquin. You all have, it’s the guy who you think is a bit serious at the table, but when you get him away from it he’s a joker. The Joaquin I’m looking for is the one that was hungry for life, he use to run to keep in shape and use to make time to call his mother daily. But you know what I’m looking for, I’m just looking for the guy that use to jump out of bed and say, “Let’s do this, Joaquin, it’s Showtime so it’s your time!” He’s vanished and I don’t know where he is.
So with that being said, I don’t think I will be showing up to Vegas. It pains me deeply to say those words. I was so looking forward to sitting with all of you guys and gals and just chatting. With leaving the job, playing bad poker and what I said above…I just can’t swing it at this point in time. So I lift a beer to you all in hopes that you have a wonderful time in Vegas. Oh, and if you could send some good vibes my way it would be greatly appreciated.
The above guy is having a cool WSOP Fantasy League for bloggers. If you don't know Bill Rini...well visit his blog. Pauly calls him the Jacque Custo of Bloggers. Me, I just call him the "Teddy Bear" because Bill just a guy you want to give a hug and say...how you doing. If you get a chance to sit and talk to this guy about poker at the WPBT you should. He's about at about the third level of thinking when it comes to poker and that's deep. He has to be one of the more successful players in the community, but you would never guess it for he's like The Dwarf just as happy sitting and playing in your 4/8 game as your 30/60 game. In any case, he's running a Fantasy League over at Full Tilt so go PEEPS IT!
and I have been emailing funny stupid shit to one another for a while now. I have a wide array of sports that I can cover, but Derek matches me blow for blow on every topic to be honest. He even knows the WNBA to be honest and agreed with me that the Liberty blew it picking Rebecca Lobo. Yet, other topics do come up like how Tony should give the green light for Phil to get whacked, or how you have to love Turtle, he's o.k. with getting Vince's leftovers. In any case, this is a poker blog so I figured I would copy one of our conversations. Oh, in case you don't know about the Burrito streak, send Derek an email and ask him about it...long live the burrito streak.
Derek Writes: how was AC?? did you CRUSH the competition?? i was thinking about going but i changed my mind . .. . i had too much shit to do.
yo . . . pauly told me it was f train's birthday or something like that this weekend
I respond: Pfft...an Elephant crushed me and he came in the form of a 110 pound Asian guy who would laugh at me when he hit his river card...serious, he would laugh like in one of those Karate flicks you watch in Chinatown for five bucks, you know, where hookers take their john's to the back row for a blow job. You know the laugh I'm talking about, when the young kid on the block hits the old vet with every crazy Kung-Fu chop in the book...the crane, the rabbit, the rat, and I even threw the praying mantis at him...and he gave me the crazy ass...hahaha! laugh. How do you escape these guys? Then when I did finally beat him in one hand...he scratched his fu-man-chu goatee and said, "I lose with yo money...hahaha!" It was a nightmare, Derek. I tell you $300.00 dollars later I was sitting there wondering where all my chips went. I suppose the guy could tell the look of confusion on my face as I looked for my red chips, for he looked over and pointed to his stack of chips and lifted his ugly cheap-ass 2.00 dollar Chinatown sunglasses and winked at me! So you asked me how things went...well that sums it up pretty much. Luckily a couple of fish sat down later on and I was able to scoop a few big pots to end up down only 150.00.
Yeah, F-Train was having some party like in Red Hook or something...I was like, there is no way I can make it back on time from AC then go get drunk in Red Hook...the fucken Westies control that area and every block they don't control the old mafia guys have in lock down. Why the fuck would I want to walk drunk in that area, man.
I suck at poker. There I said it. It was hard to write to be honest….really hard. Yet, the truth is that I’ve been stuck for a while now and the end doesn’t seem near. I have stuck to my guns and tried to win at this thing called hold’em. I use to be a winning player at this game…but Stud was just too good for me to pass up so I devoted myself to stud more than any other game. Then this year I was determined to turn a new leaf and become a good hold’em player…pfft! I have never ended up in the negative for any year but this could be the first.
So I sit here trying to figure out where I am. We have all been here and it’s never easy to tell yourself that you have more leaks than the Titanic…well those aren’t leeks son, those are rips on the side of the boat. But none the less, I sit at the table and try to grind it out. Some days are better than others but those bad days are just so damn bad. Nuff said. I have never written a bad beat post on my blog and I don’t intend to start.
So where is this post going…I don’t know…I’ve tried to sit at a stud table a few times but the truth is that I lost my touch there, too…booo!! The house of cards is falling and The Rooster is at the bottom of it….heehee! All is not gloomy my friends, Grubby is going to teach me how to play slots…heehee! No, I don’t play those money taking machines…heehee!
Writing here and laughing makes me heal to be honest. My losses seem very small when it you compared to what some of our friends have gone through the last year. Serious.
Poker has taught me so much about myself over the last five years. How to win and lose (sometimes lose big) and just stay even keel because tomorrow is a new day. I wanted to thank my friends who have been supportive during this time and those who I know would have lent a kind word if they knew the skid downward I have been on.
Also, I have learned that not everyone approves of this game we play and lifestyle we live. I have tried to devote my life to so many other things this year besides poker (and this is probably where my leaks come from). Yet, for some reason the cards on my desk keep calling my name the scream, "Rooster...Rooster...pick me up please." Not sure what it is…I suppose I enjoy cards because it’s something I’m good at…I like the friends I have made from the old guys at the stud tables to the young guns at the no-limit tables.
Well nothing much of poker here. I just thought I would post something to let everyone know that I’m alive and trying to survive on the felt.