No VegasI found myself in shock while I was packing my belongings from my desk. This is and would be my last day at my company. I really can’t find the words to describe my feelings to be honest. I need to get to a good place for myself, my soul, and my chi. I just haven’t been there in many years to be honest. And you know what, it’s taken me a long time to admit that.
I just re-read that paragraph over and although not deep in it’s meaning, I feel a huge burden taken off my shoulders. And I wanted to thank all the writers in our little community for being first and clearing the path for me to write these words, you have shared with me your grief, victories, and of course you feeling of utter shame. Thus, it’s made it that much easier to say mine.
Deep breath, Joaquin.
So much has happened over the last couple of years that I never talk about…I have always internalized it and just never spit it out. I suppose I could never really write these words because I think many people see me as a happy go lucky person. And for the most part I am always in a good mood. Yet, in my work life I have never accomplished what I set out to do and that disturbs me deeply and the death of my grandmother has eaten away at me daily. I have let it all build up and now it’s at the breaking point and I need to find, Joaquin again.
(I just re-read that paragraph again and I think this is one of the first times I wanted to sob about my grandmother. She was my life, my soul, she was just everything that was good about my life and my source of joy.)
I’m not here saying you have never known the real Joaquin. You all have, it’s the guy who you think is a bit serious at the table, but when you get him away from it he’s a joker. The Joaquin I’m looking for is the one that was hungry for life, he use to run to keep in shape and use to make time to call his mother daily. But you know what I’m looking for, I’m just looking for the guy that use to jump out of bed and say, “Let’s do this, Joaquin, it’s Showtime so it’s your time!” He’s vanished and I don’t know where he is.
So with that being said, I don’t think I will be showing up to Vegas. It pains me deeply to say those words. I was so looking forward to sitting with all of you guys and gals and just chatting. With leaving the job, playing bad poker and what I said above…I just can’t swing it at this point in time. So I lift a beer to you all in hopes that you have a wonderful time in Vegas. Oh, and if you could send some good vibes my way it would be greatly appreciated.