Friday, June 30, 2006

No Vegas

I found myself in shock while I was packing my belongings from my desk. This is and would be my last day at my company. I really can’t find the words to describe my feelings to be honest. I need to get to a good place for myself, my soul, and my chi. I just haven’t been there in many years to be honest. And you know what, it’s taken me a long time to admit that.

I just re-read that paragraph over and although not deep in it’s meaning, I feel a huge burden taken off my shoulders. And I wanted to thank all the writers in our little community for being first and clearing the path for me to write these words, you have shared with me your grief, victories, and of course you feeling of utter shame. Thus, it’s made it that much easier to say mine.

Deep breath, Joaquin.

So much has happened over the last couple of years that I never talk about…I have always internalized it and just never spit it out. I suppose I could never really write these words because I think many people see me as a happy go lucky person. And for the most part I am always in a good mood. Yet, in my work life I have never accomplished what I set out to do and that disturbs me deeply and the death of my grandmother has eaten away at me daily. I have let it all build up and now it’s at the breaking point and I need to find, Joaquin again.

(I just re-read that paragraph again and I think this is one of the first times I wanted to sob about my grandmother. She was my life, my soul, she was just everything that was good about my life and my source of joy.)

I’m not here saying you have never known the real Joaquin. You all have, it’s the guy who you think is a bit serious at the table, but when you get him away from it he’s a joker. The Joaquin I’m looking for is the one that was hungry for life, he use to run to keep in shape and use to make time to call his mother daily. But you know what I’m looking for, I’m just looking for the guy that use to jump out of bed and say, “Let’s do this, Joaquin, it’s Showtime so it’s your time!” He’s vanished and I don’t know where he is.

So with that being said, I don’t think I will be showing up to Vegas. It pains me deeply to say those words. I was so looking forward to sitting with all of you guys and gals and just chatting. With leaving the job, playing bad poker and what I said above…I just can’t swing it at this point in time. So I lift a beer to you all in hopes that you have a wonderful time in Vegas. Oh, and if you could send some good vibes my way it would be greatly appreciated.

18 Comments:

At 11:25 AM, Blogger on_thg said...

All the good vibes I can scrounge are headed to NYC. Better luck, man.

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger F-Train said...

I guess my phone call didn't manage to dissuade you. Oh well. Do what you gotta do man and we'll hang out soon.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Damn man. I will miss you. Its hard to find yourself when you become lost. I know. Good luck.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

Fuck you, pussy.

I'm removing you from my blogroll if you don't come to Vegas.

Bitchy ass mofo. Put a stitch in your gash and hop on a JetBlue flight. The Rhino is calling your name, fuckwad.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Falstaff said...

Let us know if you need anything.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Falstaff said...

Let us know if you need anything.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Chilly said...

I am split. I agree with F-Train and Pauly.

You will be missed. You had the push-up competition in the bag this time.

Take care.

-Chilly

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger columbo (at eifco dot org) said...

Mrs. Columbo is devestated, as am I. I hope I have not seen the last of you!

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Bill Rini said...

Hang in there, amigo. Oh, and what Pauly said :-)

 
At 5:27 PM, Blogger Maudie said...

Doggone it, guy.

I may have to do something drastic if you don't come to Vegas.

You rascal, you. Take a deep breath and get on a plane. Your name is being called, silly.

(Maudie's translation of what Pauly said)

Seriously, Joaquin, I'm truly sorry you won't be coming. Mi amigo - I'm mustering up a wad of good mojo and sending it your way. I will think of you when I'm at the MGM and will take a stroll for old times sake...

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Maudie said...

me = maudie

 
At 5:41 PM, Blogger Ignatious said...

holy shit. WTF!!!

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Veneno said...

Sorry to hear that! Sending good vibes and poison poker your way...

**Big hug**

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger April said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. We'll miss you for sure, but do what you need to do. Sometimes you have to just take a step back and reevaluate. Sending good vibes your way.

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger Easycure said...

The Easycures send you good vibes as well.

I don't know if it helps, but we won't be there either this go around.

Good luck in finding your chi....we'll hook up again next time.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger SoxLover said...

Take care of yourself man and do what you need to do.

We'll all be happy to see you if you have a last minute change of heart.

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Since I'm not going that taxi driver in Vegas is gonna go batshit if you don't show up!

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger peacecorn said...

Wahkeeen! Baby! Pablo and I are extremely bummed out. Please take care of yourself and if you can some how manage it, getcher butt to Vegas. It just will not be the same.

 

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